PARENTING PREPARATION EXERCISE!
Posted on Thursday, May 08,
2008
Topic:
We, The Citizens
by Pak Cham Kai
So last week, the State’s Times reported a survey showing that
thanks to the Gahmen's policies (what else?) more young
Singaporeans now want to get married and have chewren. But do you
really know what you’re in for? Try our PARENTING
PREPARATION EXERCISE – it’s as close to the real thing as we
can simulate!
Mess Exercise - Smear peanut butter all over your
sofa and curtains. Place a fishball under your sofa cushion and
leave it there for 3 months.
Toy Exercise - Buy a giant box of Lego.
(Thumbtacks also can.) Ask your friend to spread them all over the
floor of your flat. Simulate the middle of the night by putting on
a blindfold and trying to walk to your toilet or kitchen. When you
step on a Lego or thumbtack, do not scream because this would wake
your child up at night.
Supermarket Exercise - Go to Hay Dairies in Lim
Chu Kang and borrow two of their goats. Take them with you to your
supermarket to do your groceries. Always keep them in sight, and
pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Exercise - Buy one very big, very buay
song live octopus. Try to stuff it into a small net bag and make
sure all its arms stay inside.
Feeding Exercise - Get a large plastic bottle.
Fill it halfway with water. Suspend the bottle from the ceiling
with a bungee cord. Separately, make a bowl of Quaker Oats by
adding warm milk to the dry oats. Start to swing the jug. As it
swings, try to insert as many spoonfuls of the soggy oats as you
can into the mouth of the bottle. As you do, make sounds like
“um-um-um” or pretend to be an aeroplane. After a while, just dump
the contents of the bottle onto the floor.
Night-Time Exercise - Fill a small cloth bag with
5 kg of sand. Soak it completely in water. At 3 pm, pick up the bag
and stand up, swaying gently back and forth while humming songs.
Keep doing this till 8 pm. Put down the bag, and set your alarm
clock for 9 pm, then try to sleep. At 9 pm, wake up, pick up the
bag again and resume swaying and humming every song you’ve ever
known. If you run out of songs, make some up. Continue till 5 am.
Take a nap, and set alarm clock for 6 am. At 6 am, wake up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look happy.
Car Exercise - Forget the BMW and buy a MPV. Buy a
cone of ice cream and put it in your dashboard compartment. Leave
it there. Take a twenty cent coin. Stick it into your CD player.
Buy a big packet of cookies. Mash them into your back seat. Take
your car keys and run them along both sides of your car. There!
Just like the real thing!
Mother's Body Exercise - Buy a large bean bag
chair. Attach it to the front of your clothes for 9 months. After
that, remove 6 beans.
Financial Exercise - Go to the nearest NTUC. Go to
the cashier and give her your wallet, telling her to help herself.
Now go to your bank and arrange for your pay to be GIRO’d directly
to NTUC from now on. Go to the mama stall and buy a newspaper. Go
home and read it quietly for the last time.
Sanity Exercise - Make sure your TV can only
switch to children’s channels. Throw out all your DVDs and buy only
the Best of the Wiggles, Barney, Dora the Explorer, etc. Check in
every few weeks with your psychiatrist to see if your IQ is still
normal.
Final Exercise - Find a couple who already have a
young child. Lecture them on how they can improve their tolerance
lah, discipline lah, toilet training lah, patience lah, the child’s
table manners lah, the kid’s PSLE results lah, etc. Tell them how
the kindergarten they enrolled their kid in is just not good
enough, and they must enroll in all sorts of extra classes like
Music & Drama, Speech, and donno what else. Emphasise to them
that they must never, ever allow their kids to stray onto the wrong
path or their future will be fucked forever. Enjoy this experience
while it lasts. Because when you have your own kid, it’ll happen to
you.
